August is Women’s Month in South Africa, and every year we hear a lot about celebrating strong women. But this year, I’ve been thinking about something slightly different.
Not just about how strong we are, or how much we manage to carry, but about how easy it is for a woman to slowly lose sight of herself amongst all the roles she plays.
We become wives and partners, mothers, daughters, employees, business owners and caregivers. We’re the ones who remember the birthdays, make the appointments, check that everyone is okay and somehow keep all the moving parts of life moving.
And somewhere amongst all of that is the woman we were before everyone needed something from us. Sometimes I think we forget about her.
Who are you when the roles change?
This is something I’ve had to figure out for myself over the last few years.
For a long time, I knew who I was in relation to the people around me. I was a wife, a mom, a daughter, a photographer and a business owner. My life was busy and there were always people who needed me.
Then life changed. My marriage ended, my child grew up and left home, and suddenly the life and family structure that had defined so much of my adult life looked completely different.
I had to start again, and one of the strangest parts of starting again was realising that I wasn’t entirely sure who I was anymore. I knew who I was as a mother and who I had been as a wife. I knew who I was to my clients and my family.
But who was I when I wasn’t defining myself by what I was to somebody else? Who was Janine now?
Finding yourself again doesn’t happen overnight
I don’t think we talk enough about this stage of a woman’s life.
We talk endlessly about becoming a mother. We talk about babies and toddlers, school years and teenagers. But there isn’t nearly as much conversation about what happens when those children grow up and don’t need you in quite the same way anymore. Or when a marriage ends, a career changes, your body changes, or you simply wake up one day and realise that you’ve spent so many years looking after everyone else that you haven’t asked yourself what you want for a very long time.
It took me a while to work that out, and I’m not sure there is ever a moment where you can confidently announce, “Right, I’ve found myself!”
I think it’s much quieter than that.
It’s discovering what you enjoy now and making decisions that are good for you, not just for the people you love. It’s finding things that make you laugh, trying something new and returning to things you used to love. It’s learning to enjoy your own company and creating a home and a life that feel like yours.
And, for me, it has also meant finding love again.
Not by trying to recreate the life I had before, but by finding someone I can share my life with who is good for the person I am now. There’s something very different about choosing a relationship when you know yourself better—when you’re not looking for someone to define you, but for someone who fits alongside the life and the person you’ve worked hard to become.
Perhaps that’s part of finding yourself too. It doesn’t mean doing life alone or deciding that you don’t need anybody. It means knowing yourself well enough to recognise the people who align with who you are now.
Because sometimes the woman you find isn’t actually the woman you used to be. She’s someone new.
We don’t have to go backwards
I think that’s an important distinction.
When women talk about “finding themselves again”, it can sound as though we’re supposed to uncover the younger version of ourselves who existed before marriage, children, responsibility and life happened.
But I don’t want to be the woman I was at 25. That woman hadn’t lived my life yet.
She hadn’t raised a child or built a business. She hadn’t experienced heartbreak or had to start over. She hadn’t made all the mistakes I’ve made or learned the things I’ve learned.
All of those experiences changed me. Some were wonderful and some I certainly wouldn’t volunteer to repeat, but they’re mine. They’re part of what made me the woman I am today.
So perhaps it isn’t about finding the woman you used to be. Perhaps it’s about meeting the woman you’ve become.
When did you last do something just for you?
That’s a question I’ve been thinking about this Women’s Month.
When did you last do something that wasn’t for your children, your partner, your family or your work, but simply because you wanted to?
For some women that might mean travelling somewhere they’ve always wanted to go. For someone else it might be joining a class, changing careers, starting a business, getting fit, going out with friends, learning something completely new or finally doing something they’ve been putting off for years.
And sometimes it can be something very small: buying the dress, wearing the lipstick, taking the afternoon off or getting in the photograph instead of automatically being the person taking it.
We don’t always need a big reinvention. Sometimes we just need to start making a little space for ourselves again.
You don’t need a milestone to be photographed
As a photographer, I’ve noticed something over the years.
Women are very good at booking photographs when they’re marking something happening in somebody else’s life. We photograph pregnancy because we’re becoming mothers. We photograph newborn babies, first birthdays, family milestones, graduations and weddings.
We make sure there are photographs of our children growing up because we understand how quickly those years disappear.
But somewhere along the way, many women stop believing that they are reason enough for a photograph.
There always seems to be a reason to wait. When I’ve lost some weight. When I’m feeling better about myself. When life settles down. Maybe for my next big birthday.
One day.
But the woman you are today is part of your story too.
You don’t need to be getting married, pregnant or celebrating a milestone birthday. You don’t need any reason other than wanting a photograph in which you recognise yourself.
Not only Mum. Not someone’s wife or partner. Not the person who organised the photoshoot and then stood at the back.
Just you.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would feel like to step in front of the camera simply to celebrate the woman you are right now, you can have a look at some of my portrait work here:
More Than Mum
Being a mother will always be one of the biggest parts of who I am, but it’s not the only part. I’m a daughter, a partner, a friend, a photographer and a business owner. I’m all of those things, and I’m grateful for the people I get to share my life with.
But I’ve also learned that loving the people in my life doesn’t mean losing myself within those relationships.
Perhaps that’s what I’d really like to celebrate this Women’s Month: the woman underneath all the titles.
The woman who has changed, who has survived things she never expected to face and who is still figuring some of it out. The woman who doesn’t necessarily have everything together. The woman who is allowed to want things for herself while still loving and caring deeply for the people around her.
And the woman who is still becoming.
Maybe getting older isn’t about trying desperately to hold onto the woman we used to be. Maybe there’s something quite wonderful about discovering who we are now, and building a life, friendships and relationships that fit that woman rather than asking her to make herself smaller to fit them.
I’m still discovering mine.
And if you’re in that season too, I hope you give yourself permission to do the same.
Happy Women’s Month.
Janine
Janine Z Photography
Perhaps this is your sign
If reading this has made you realise that it’s been far too long since you did something simply for yourself, perhaps this is your sign.
You don’t need to wait for a birthday, an anniversary or another milestone to celebrate the woman you are right now.
Nominate Her – My Women’s Month Giveaway
And perhaps, while reading this, you thought of another woman.
Someone who has spent years being Mum, partner, daughter, friend, caregiver and everything in between. Someone who is always there for everybody else and who deserves, for once, to have a moment that’s simply about her.
This Women’s Month, I’d love to celebrate one of those women with a portrait experience at Janine Z Photography.
If there’s a woman in your life whose story deserves to be celebrated, nominate her for my Women’s Month giveaway.